When living in a foreign country, sometimes it seems that the planets are aligning against you and you begin to wonder what the hell you're doing there. If you decide you have enough reasons for being there (like I do here) then you begin to wonder how you'll not only keep your head above water but actually start treading it and then walking on said water.

That's where I am right now, this very second, today. And because of that, I have to imagine that Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers are speaking directly to me ...

Labels: anti-Chile, depressed

I can't imagine I'll ever be wired to be a stay-at-home mom. I used to be pretty sure this was the case but since I've moved to Chile I'm 100% convinced. It's confirmed now that the housewife role - and even pseudo housewife role I currently live - is for the birds.

Right now I say that I'm a pseudo housewife because I'm the one who stays home, while G leaves the house to go work. Granted, I work too, but since I work from home, I basically set my own schedule. Meaning if I want to work 8 am to 5 pm or 1 pm to 10 pm, it's my call. I think that as long as my work gets done AND I'm easily accessible to those who need me, then I can basically do that. It's a cool gig but it comes at a price as well. I'm the one who's home ... which means I'm the primary caretaker of Obi, our bulldog puppy. I'm the one who works with the trainer and makes sure our dog is forming into an acceptable and agreeable member of society. I'm also the one who does laundry ... why? Again, I'm here. It doesn't take much to just put a load in, come back to my computer, then put the load in the dryer and come back to the computer again. It's either that or the clothes just piles up and up and up until the weekend (or evenings at some point.) Who wants that? I'm also the one who primarily cooks. Why? It's really a last resort because I'm not familiar with take out places in Chile, besides sushi and going out to dinner every day is $$$ and bad for the waistline. And again, I'm the one who's home. I'm here when the nana comes every Tuesday to clean - that's sweet! Less cleaning for me. But I'm also the one who has to direct what needs to be done in the house. Why? Because I'm the one who's home. And in all fairness it's probably best that way since I'm the pickier of the two of us in regards to how I want my home to be/look/feel. In between nana visits, I'm also the one who cleans ... mainly after myself and my dog, but still.

So let's see here: I have a kid (kind of. It's a puppy but it feels like a kid), and do all that's involved with having said "kid," I cook, I clean, I work, and I'm at home almost all day, everyday. And I have the new state of frumpiness to prove it! Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I'm about to start graduate school and I'm planning a wedding, I could very well be depressed.

Which has me wondering ... will this be my constant state of being forever??

Obviously not...that's just me freaking out with that last sentence. The mere fact that I'm going back to school will certainly snap me out of this state of semi-consciousness. I hope that it helps me be a contributing member of society as well. Nothing is worse than being stagnant and not moving forward.

It's also hard to watch G go out and be the awesome baller that he is, while I am here at home. Maybe it's a case of not giving myself enough credit for the job I do with the company I work for, or maybe it's because he's just in a different reality than me and I kind of envy that. Living here in Chile I'm feeling that it's harder to grab the world by the balls like a man would. Maybe it's because I don't see many of these women around me on a day to day basis and the ones I can think of are gringas (yay! Represent!) I know this is just setting the stage for me to go out and become the youngest female VP for Chile's #1 consumer products company (whatever that is) ... but in the moment, I feel far from that.

If I were to add kids to this mix, I'd take a long walk off a short plank. I know I should feel a little more gung-ho about having kids but let me tell you, I'm not feeling the gung or the ho. But I'm 33 and time's a tickin' ... and I think, well, I don't NOT want kids ... and I kinda do like the thought of kids .... so ....at some point in the next couple of years I"m going to have to walk down that road... but if it means staying at home with all of the above PLUS A KID ... I can't imagine I'll be a happy camper.

Oh well... at least I'll look the part. I'm already uber frumpy, with split ends, roots grown out about an inch, bad toenails, worse hand nails, bad, dry skin and a unibrow anyone would envy. My daily outfit is jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops. Oh, I do manage to put some make up on though, that's a plus. Hmmmm, then I imagine that an offspring would result in me with no make up on my face and about 20 pounds overweight.

Sweet. Can't wait.

Labels: depressed, Obi wan Kenobi, resolutions, world domination

I've never looked or felt frumpier. You know those new moms that you see walking down the street and you think to yourself "Geez sister, pull yourself together. A little eye make up would work wonders on you right about now. And while you're at it, pull that scrunchie out of your hair." I'm on the receiving end of that. For the first time in my entire adult life, the roots of my hair are over two inches out. In fact, my hair is about two months overdue for even a haircut! ... ask any of my close friends if that's normal for me and they would assure you that you're talking about someone else. I was formally known as the persnickety old aunt-type who liked to point out when someone needed to hit the hair salon STAT. I felt like I was offering a public service, really. Well the irony is that now, I'm that person I used to call out. Oh life, how you mock me! (and while we're on the topic, hi uni-brow!)
And don't get me started on my nails, both hands and toes...or the fact that I haven't dressed up and worn any type of heels in daaaaaaaaaaays (to be read, "months").

In a way, I am a new mom with the arrival of Obi-wan Kenobi on the 12th of this month. And I'm not sure having a puppy is all it's cracked up to be. First of all, he surely hates me. I'm not sure why he doesn't like me but he's taking to growling at me (the mean kind, not the playful kind I keep reading about) and, of course, he's taking to biting me. Let's add that to the fact that I spend about 8 hours a day cleaning his waste so that he's not running around in filth, making sure he has clean water, trying to remember to feed him every six hours, attempting to keep him clean, trying to train him to be a proper dog in a few months AND all the while waking up at 3 am EVERY morning because of his cries/whines. Of course I get myself out of bed and play with him and cuddle him as much as I can so that he feels secure and loved...And the thanks I get for all that? Bites and growls. Forgive me if for the time being I'm not quite understanding the whole "man's/woman's best friend" bit. I'm not saying that getting him was a mistake because I do have faith that things will get better. When he's a little older and outgrows this stage he's in, coupled with being able to take him outside so he can run free and mingle with other dogs (he doesn't have all his shots as of yet) I really do believe that life will be pleasant. That's part of what motivates me to keep training him, to keep teaching him right from wrong, to keep trying to make him a happy, well adjusted dog. But right now it's no picnic. In fact, it's downright dreadful.

I'm allergic to him, did I mention that? Yeah, I break out into hives whenever I hold him. I was having breathing issues too for a bit but then started taking Allegra AND we bought an air purifier with HEPA filter so things on the respiratory end are much more pleasant. For the hives I'm using a cortisone cream but unfortunately I can only apply it for a week ... that means until today since a week ago I went to the doctor for said prescriptions that enable me to be near our puppy. Here's a pic I took yesterday ... this is WITH the cortisone cream. Though in its defense, I did initially fail to apply it to this region ...



In case you haven't noticed the tone of this post, I'm feeling slightly depressed and glum. This is why I closed comments on this particular entry. There's no need to tell me that you relate to me, that you understand or that you're sorry. Also there's no need to tell me I need to snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for myself. I know all of the above and really, do appreciate any sentiment or time taken to express that sentiment. I'm really writing this because I simply just.felt.like.writing. After all, it's one of my 2010 proposals/resolutions so I thought it to be quite appropriate.

My wedding is in less than two months and I feel like things are wrapping up nicely. Summer is coming to an official end here in Chile so I hope that means that vendors are finally going to be responsive and available. Though here's a typical story... in November G and I went to the place where we want to get our cake and they told us that we were seriously too early to begin planning for the cake and that we should come back in February or March. All righty. So I called yesterday to ask about going in for the tasting and after answering the "when is your wedding" question, I'm met with:
"Oh honey, you should have come in a while ago! We're taking orders already for next year! What are you waiting for?"

FML and F-them.

Needless to say we're going this weekend.

But I have to say, despite all the planning and all the hoopla surrounding me in regards to weddings (two friends here are getting married in a couple of weeks, within a week of one another), I continue to feel like my own personal wedding is this event I'm planning in general and that I'm just attending as a guest. Like my own party I guess, but nothing major. In part I'm thankful for this feeling because it means I'm not stressing over details. Another part of me feels as if I'm cheating myself though! For myself personally, I pretty much have nothing. I don't have a bouquet, I don't have shoes, I don't have "something blue" and I don't have accessories. Yeah I have a dress and yeah, I like that dress, but it's certainly not the over-the-moon sentiment I thought I'd have about my dress. It's nice, I like it, I guess I look ok in it and that's about it. Something tells me that's NOT NORMAL!!!

The only constant is G and how much I love him and how much I love our life together. There's no one in this world I'd rather be with and no one who could make this depressive, blue state I'm in even remotely worth treading through. But all that other blue stuff makes me kind of numb... similar to the affect my skin has with the cortisone cream.

In general, sometimes my life in Chile feels like it's smothered in cortisone cream. I walk around not really being a part of this society and culture. I guess that sounds weird to those who don't know how the stuff works. It's more of a personal observation, I guess. I have a lot of them because when you don't really integrate well in a society, you mostly live in your head... which later results in diarrhea of the fingers on a keyboard within a blog entry.

Labels: 2010, depressed, dogs, G, Obi wan Kenobi, resolutions, wedding