I don't consider myself to be a stepmom in any sort of way, even though I guess that yeah, the fact of the matter IS that I'm technically a stepmom, given that my husband has children from his previous marriage. But the whole idea behind the term "stepmom" is so cliché, I get nauseous at the mere thought of it. Just thinking of the typical image of the woman who has no children of her own, all of a sudden trying to be a mom, just makes me think of Baroness Schraeder playing ball with the Von Trapp kids (yes, one more of the million references to the movie "The Sound of Music" - so sue me.)

I won't get into detailed specifics of the dynamics between my husband and his ex, nor will I get into exact specifics of my role either. Suffice it to say that the mother of my husband's kids (also known as "b*tch face" in my small circle of me, myself and I) is equatable to a fascist dictator (according to me) and even if she isn't physically with us on the weekends the kids do spend time in our home, trust me, she's nevertheless omnipresent.

In the beginning of this journey, I was rather accepting of the separation and distinction made between their mom, their dad, them and me. G lived a separate life, according to me back then, when they were around. While he made plans with them with hope of including me, I always politely declined, hiding behind the excuse "no, no, this is YOUR time with them." Literally there would be weekends when we'd barely see each other and barely had conversations. A combination of demanding kids and impatient Wife #2 didn't make for easily accessible family time for G. Back then, the ex was more of a b*tch face than I can honesty say she is now - mostly due to the fact that she apparently has a significant other to now love/torture and has withdrawn from loving/torturing my husband - so it was much easier to draw a clear line between "that's you guys" and this is me. In correlated events, as the fascist mother of the kids has (presumably) been diverted by the sweet smell of love with someone else, she's become less of a presence in our home with the kids here and less of a bother and anchor around the neck when the kids aren't here.

As time marched on, as love blossomed for b.f., and as I spent more time with the kids, I got past seeing them as the "offspring" of a "mad love affair" between my husband and his ex. (The reality is that the term "mad" applies but not "love" nor does "affair") and began seeing them as just them. Two kids with their own personalities. I remove the thought of their mom from our time spent together because it angers me to see how she holds the noose above their heads and how she must be so invasive, that the kids think twice about any move they make with me. It's a little more seamless now but nonetheless apparent and it's just sickening to think that a mother is that controlling. And to circle back to my first thought, this is the main reason I don't feel like I'm a stepmom. The iron hand of the law has far reaches into the minds of its subjects and as such, there is no room for a third party to: 1) educate or offer insight 2) offer alternate thinking 3) lead by example. There is only room for a third party to offer fun. When I choose and when circumstances allow for it, that's all I'm really, truly a part of - something fun (whether that be introducing them to Beyonce and Black Eyed Peas, introducing them to Monopoly, playing Wii or watching - you guessed it - "The Sound of Music.")

Unfortunately there are times, like today, when I'm reminded how in reality, there IS a clear line dividing us. Sadly, when that division is apparent, I'm the cheese that stands alone. For some reason or another, the kids' school doesn't do their dieciocho celebrations in September when all the other schools do them. They do them in October. Specifically today. In traditional fashion, by class, kids dance typical Chilean dances in full costume for the parents of the entire student body. G, accompanied by his mother, took his kids and I'm of course, left behind. It's an unspoken rule that shouts from the top of the Andes Mountains: I'm not to be involved or included in these types of things. It doesn't help that the kids' mom is actually a teacher at the school they attend but I'm pretty sure that even if she didn't work there, I'd still have to stay behind the invisible line that divides "his family" from "our family." I don't think it will ever change. In fact, a close friend of mine who married into a similar situation finally stood her ground when the youngest of her husband's sons graduated HIGH SCHOOL! From the time she met his son at the age of 6, she'd missed every single school event, every single performance, every important soccer game. Clearly forced to watch from behind the line. I give her props for standing her ground on his high school graduation. As she clearly stated "Si no le gusta que este, mala suerte." (If she doesn't like that I'm here, too bad.)

At what point does it really, truly become a blended family, I wonder? It's obviously not when the stepmom decides and it could very well be difficult for the kids in between to decide. Does that only leave the option for the first marriage to decide? Can we discuss how unfair that sounds for the now-wife? Then I wonder if it's about the ex-wife deciding because she happens to hold the reins. Or does the husband decide that it's ok to include his wife, opting to literally show the ex that she can go straight to hell if she disagrees? I'm at a loss.

G argues that I wouldn't want to go to their show anyway. True, I'd find it boring as most kid shows are to me. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be cute or, at the very least, entertaining to see their pint-sized selves dance typical Chilean dances. However it's not an option for me either way. Which is the reason I'm sitting on this side of the dividing line, writing a blog, waiting for my dog's trainer to arrive.

Labels: Everyday life, kids, Tangents

I've been thinking a lot about the subject of kids lately, trying to come to terms with the fact that more than half of the people I went to either grammar school, high school or college with are now parents and I'm nowhere near the task. Arguably I'm more "ahead of that game" than an unmarried, otherwise single, counterpart I suppose, but mentally I'm no further ahead than I was when I graduate college. Obviously many personal factors contribute to this: 1) adjusting to a new country 2) analysis of the disadvantages thrown at mothers in the workforce, specifically in this country and 3) trying to have a couple's life prior to the kiddo scenario, considering I married at a much later age. All of the above are important factors to consider prior to embarking on the role of a lifetime (i.e. parenthood), the most pressing of all, to me, is the stunted career I'll have if I don't play my cards right.

Then today I came across yet another variable to this ever-present "Maybe Kids ... yes...no....when....what" library of questions. This article published earlier this month in New York Magazine entitled "All Joy and No Fun. Why parents hate parenting." And before half the readers of this blog jump to defend the institution of kids and parenting, let me clarify that I am neither bashing, nor supporting this article. What I am doing is adding it to my database of "food for thought on" and "things to consider before." Besides, there's some great writing to be found in this article and it seems very well supported, siting numerous studies and books that speak into the subject of happiness, kids, relationships and parenting. I'm never one to pass up a good read and just because the subject is laced with controversy only makes me love it more (hence, I'm promoting your reading of it.)

It's surprising to read that one study after another shows that having kids DOES NOT make women, men and couples happier. In fact, as far as couple's are concerned, marital satisfaction takes a tumble once kids are born (though parents of babies and toddlers will be happy to know that this satisfaction increases between your kid's ages of 6-12 ... then plummets again when they're teenagers - go figure.) Yeah, as a species it makes sense that we want to procreate, pass our genes on, contribute to a legacy, etc, etc but as individuals, this article really challenges the notion of whether as PEOPLE, cultural and social people, it ever makes sense to have kids.

And what's the main reason behind the unpleasant view on parenting itself? We've become robots of perfection, buckling under the pressure of "not good enough" and transferring it on to the kids! In January I posted this, describing the competitive landscape of where I lived in California and this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes being a parent intolerable. This article states that before urbanization, kids were considered an asset to economic growth since they worked the farmland next to you or worked in the shop/small family business owned by the parents. Their existence had a purpose that propelled the entire family forward. Nowadays, children are not regarded in the same capacity, seen more so as "subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed" in order to promote the creation of supreme beings by the skillful hands of the parents. It's not enough to have the big house, fancy car and European family trips - your kids need to be the personification of success just as the yacht might be.

Sounds like a lot of pressure to me. No wonder parents are stressed out and no wonder kids are stressed out. I've seen it first hand (and this article mentions it as well), but kids these days are over-scheduled. Can you believe such a notion? And to think that I had hours and hours of free time to play and pretend and cut coupons out of the newspaper so that I could play bank ... with myself.

Geez, what a disadvantage I've created waiting this long to have kids. I've chosen to work on me, my career, my education, my life and now when I have kids, I'll know exactly what I'm missing when I can't focus on all of the aforementioned points. It's different when young adults leave their parents house and shortly thereafter become parents. Chances are they haven't had much time to notice what they'll be missing once they do have kids.

Incidentally, when I finished reading this article it immediately occurred to me to Google the exact same phrase/notion in Spanish, specifically searching Chilean websites. I came across a lot of articles on the INABILITY to have kids, an article on couples choosing pets over kids (from a site called "Conciencia Animal" or "Animal Consciousness," an article on a woman who dated a guy forever who didn't want to have kids and who then ended up having kids with the woman he had a relationship with after her ... and finally, at the very bottom of the first Google page, an article from Cosmo (hardly a Chilean publication) speaking to the notion of "So what if I don't want kids?" In this very quick search (and I cannot stress enough how very quickly this search occurred), I did come across an article from a newspaper from the South of Chile called "Diario El Sur" where the writer speaks about the "dilemma" associated with the decision of having kids or not and how three entities affect this decision one way or another: 1) dedication to one's career, 2) the "voice" of the Church, 3) contraception. But the best article I came across on Chilean sites (again, in my ever-so-quick search) talks about how the decision to have fewer kids is an active decision by educated adults who wish to focus on responsible parenting. Blogs, of course, provide a wealth of varying opinions on the matter and this one speaks quite candidly on the stance of "not wanting to be a mother someday." Still, I have to say that the majority of the articles that come up when I Google "Tener hijos hace feliz?" or "Having kids makes one happy?" are about infertility, lower birth rates and selfish individuals. Check it out and see for yourself!

Just for the record folks, I'm not anti having kids. In fact, I've made reference to my relatively pro stance on the matter in the past. I do, however, find it quite interesting that the reality is SO different than what the marketers want you to believe. Parenting, in short, seems to kind of suck.

The Nestle's, Proctor & Gamble's and milk companies of this world (among so many other consumer products companies that exist), want you to believe that being a mom is the best job you'll ever have ... that's the only way they'll get you to buy that product that will FOR SURE prove to all the other parents that you're the world's best mom (or dad!) These companies market their products by speaking to the "proud parent" in all of you: you want your kids whites to be whiter than all the rest, right? Buy Tide! You want your kids to grow up with the healthiest bones so they can kick the goal at the last minute and win that soccer game, right? Then buy the yogurt! We build strong bones! The marketing to the inner proud parent is endless and so it's NO WONDER (in my opinion) that one can barely find material on NOT having kids here in Chile. After all, in reference to my blog last week, the proud parent can be ABC1 or D - here is a motivating factor (to purchase a product) that doesn't discriminate.

Anyway, I'm all over the place today and feel that I've covered many topics. I'd like to take this opportunity to focus my thoughts and note that my feelings can best be described by one of Charlotte York's finer moments in Sex and the City, where she's arguing with Miranda on her decision to quit her job in order to focus on being a wife. Whether you agree with Miranda on how socially acceptable doing that ultimately is, Charlotte has a point when she yells:


That's all we really want.

Labels: future, kids, marketing

I thought I'd shed a little 411 - or at least some subjective perspective - on the question of G's kids. It's the question that always comes up and even if it doesn't, it's the question that people quietly ponder. How is it with the kids ... or, how do you feel about the kids?

G has kids from his previous marriage. Like many couples in Chile, post-college marriage is the next step for a couple who has been dating for years. This was the case with G and lucky for me (perhaps not so lucky for the former wife), things didn't work out as the case may be for many. Sh*t happens. Mainly it's that Chile has these crazy societal pressures about getting married if you've been with someone longer than 2 years. Or maybe it's the lack of opportunities present at the time being, that marriage seems like a viable option. Not to belittle that LOVE might actually be a player in this decision, the fact of the matter is that MANY times, it's not love as we like to think of it (romantic, butterflies-in-stomach, can't-breathe-without-eachother kind of love.) Though I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that the love I just put in parenthesis up there is the kind of love we feel right now ... I'm so blessed to have gotten married with THAT kind of love. I'm not going to pretend to know the kind of love that existed when G married the first time, at the tender age of 25, but I CAN attest that it was NOT the kind of love we have for each other.

Then again we're older - I'm 33, he's 34. We've seen the world - literally been to countries on the other side of the globe. We've worked our a**es off in our careers to advance as much as possible. We've looked for higher education - these are all things that weren't present in his first relationship as a husband that are present now. Experience, age, wisdom, desire to succeed, worldliness. Call it what you will, my point here is to build a picture for you, the reader, of the differences in time, people and circumstances surrounding his first marriage and his second (and final) marriage to me.

What occurred in the first marriage that is for now absent in our marriage is the subject of this blog: his children. He has one little girl and one little boy, born respectively.

My objective thoughts on them are these: they are very well-behaved, highly educated, highly charismatic children. If I were to hold any feelings of contempt for his ex-wife, I'm not an idiot and can recognize that she has done an exceptional job with their children. They are, in short, pleasant. Of course Gonzalo deserves credit as well, but be it as it may, laws in Chile don't usually allow for joint custody, split 50-50 and as such, the kids spend the majority of their time with their mother. I'm right in saying "Hats off" to her for how she has influenced her children for the most part.

Hand-in-hand goes how G has been as a father. Being the product of divorced parents myself, I can attest that G is by far - literally by far - THE BEST father children from a divorced family could ask for. To say that he's present as much as allowed by his ex is saying the truth. He calls EVERY DAY - literally every day no matter where in the world he is ... that's when he's not actually WITH THEM. Otherwise, he has a set schedule of when he's with them and he adheres to this schedule as much as his life allows him to (considering he travels for work and sometimes travels with me as in honeymoon). But even then, he always plans any trip considering the weekends he has the two kids. And when he's with them it's not simply "ok here's the DVD player, what movie do you guys want to see?" It's full on INTERACTION. Whether it's planning an educational trip (like the zoo), or a family lunch with his mom and brother or just playing Wii - he's RIGHT THERE with them, always. I simply can't reiterate it enough - he's an amazing father to his kids. AMAZING. And even THAT word falls short.

So what's it like for this gringa to be a third wheel in all this? I'm not gonna lie - it ain't easy, kid. Selfishly, I want G all to myself. Even at my own wedding, I feel I danced with him and was PHYSICALLY with him less than 50% of the time. That's hard for any new bride at her wedding; I can't imagine I'm the only one. Further, as with most little girls and their fathers, his daughter adores him and wants him all to HERSELF. After all, she doesn't get to live with him 24/7 like I do. This means that when I'm with him and they're here, there are no me-and-him seconds ... the kids have radars that go off if I come within two feet of him! I'm exaggerating here but it's as if this were indeed the case. I make it a point to be more distant when they're around (so as allow father-child time and not interfere) but the second I forget that distance and move in for the hubby/wifey time with a mere kiss - INCOMING!! Children are at our feet ... with no particular point or question in mind ... just that they want to be present more so than I am in his eyes.

If you think about it for a second from my perspective I hope you understand how awkward this can be. I will understand your gut reaction to defend their actions and reactions so I hope you take JUST ONE second to empathize with the awkwardness that ensues all around me when the kids are around. I'm this random third wheel. Yes, their dad didn't live with their mom for many years before I came around so (THANKFULLY) I'm not the woman who "replaced mommy." But instead, I'm the woman who stole their dad's time and 100% devotion. So there's this CRAZY competition for his attention.

Competition is the wrong word because it implies that I participate. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I SO don't participate, that I go in the extreme opposite direction and basically build my own life and agenda on the days the kids are here. My thought being "Go, be with your dad! Run wild and free. I'm peacing out." Which of course, to G, is a nightmare. Basically our main reasons for arguing is this that I've just described. I go one way, he goes another with his kids ... but he'd rather that I go WITH him in the direction he goes with his kids when they're here.

I know it's the logical thing to do, the family thing to do (after all, he and I are now family), the RIGHT and loving thing to do ... but I'm not there yet.

For us, I hope to get there sooner rather than later. I know he suffers when I distance myself because he misses me just like I miss him. The weekends the kids are with us literally feel like days I haven't seen him. Yes, we're in the same apartment, sleep in the same bed and basically move around the same areas, but it's NOT the same.

I hope time bridges this gap and eases all awkwardness.

Labels: G, kids

No, I'm not PG.

So while we’re on the subject of kids (from my mention on the previous blog post), I thought it would be a really good idea to officially document how I feel about the little earthlings now that I don't actually have any.

This is kind of like a list I made back in the day on a regular piece of paper that I can no longer find … grrr … it basically listed bullet points of the different things I hoped to accomplished 1 month, 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years and 15 years from when I started the list. I was 25… so you can understand why I’m so annoyed I can’t find it! I’m almost at the 10-year point! I hope I’ve accomplished something!

Anyhoosers, my point is that I’d like to document how I feel about the idea of kids and my thoughts on having them or not having them. Someday in reading this entry, my daughter/son might hate me. If that’s the case, err… sorry kid. I can’t help that I have very extreme and sometimes conflicting views on procreating today in March 2010.

Here’s my first thought on the matter: once the kid is here, it’s here for good (barring any atrocious event that I don’t wish on anyone.) In general, the kid is here to stay. That means that FOREVER MORE you have to worry about this other living, breathing thing. I mean, if I have to work around my day in a way that has me home each time Obi needs to eat then I can’t imagine what it takes with a kid! I already feel constricted with Obi and it drives me insane!! Further, you never stop worrying about this being… so it’s like a lifetime of this WORRY you carry around with you. I remind you of my entries regarding G’s kids after the earthquake here in Chile … I mean G was worried sick even though he tried to play it off. For days on end and I wondered how he even functioned!! If that were me, I’d be freaking the F out!! I know myself and I do NOT handle freaking out well. I’m worst-case scenario woman in my head and if I had a kid to add to that equation, I could very well live a lifetime of hyperventilation due to stress. Yeah, that sounds fun.

Putting aside the "WORRY FOREVER" sign up sheet, here's my second thought on the matter: pretty much you're responsible for how adjusted or f-ed up the kid is going to be and if he/she grows up to be a contributing, happy person in society. I mean, how many people do you know that are so screwed up because of their parents? I definitely know a few and may count myself in that group every so often. What if you put your kid in too many activities after school in hopes of keeping him/her away from drugs, only to produce an overachiever perfectionist who is anorexic and much too hard on him/herself and deals by cutting his/her arm? Is that worse than drugs? Ack! And for that matter, what's the right balance of activities? Teach them two languages, put them in a sport and in an art, teach them to meditate and do yoga, all the while taking them to a hill with lots of grass to run wild in, every other day of the week? Will my kid turn out ok then? Should I throw in some Tae-Kwon-Do too? Yeah, yeah, kids don't come with manuals, blah blah. So then of course, more pressure on the parents!

My third thought on the matter is this: I really love Obi. I wouldn't give him away at this point, sell him or try to pawn him off in any way, shape or form now that he's part of our small family. However, I recognize that life before him was much easier and much more comfortable. I realize as well that if I knew then, what I know now, I don't think I would have acquired him in the first place. Having a dog is a BIG DEAL, more than people think ... so I can't BEGIN TO IMAGINE the big deal that is a kid. Yet I take extremely good care of him, train him, love him, feed him and do all the basic necessities necessary, spoil him and cuddle him ... but that doesn't change the fact that I see him and think "Life was much easier and maybe better (still undecided) before." Can you imagine if I feel this way with a human being who relies on me for survival and guidance? Hello, insta-bad parent - just add water!

My fourth thought on the matter relates to G and the fact that he has two children from his previous marriage. The person I love already has kids and has experienced first hand all the joy, excitement and fear that goes along with having kids. In fact, he's even more experienced in basic things like changing diapers and burping (not to mention all the other crap that I can't even think of because I'm not a parent and have NO idea) than I might ever be! He's been there, done that. When I go through the "Holy sh*t I'm a parent" freak out/realization, I'll be alone. I'll basically be going through all those sentiments solo and that kind of sucks. It's not his fault of course. He adores his kids, rightfully so, and I adore him for being a good father to his kids.It makes him a better man and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it does affect how I view becoming a parent, I'm not gonna lie. Any maybe it's my own version of being screwed up by a parent, but I never had a father in my life and the man who IS my father, played favorites with my sister and me. Meaning, he ignored me my entire life and was present for my sister. So in my head I can't imagine that G could love any other kid more than he loves his own right now. Call me crazy - I might be. But it's how I feel at times and it's stuff I think about.

Not all is tainted in such a negative light when it comes to kids, though. I've experienced first hand how much joy they bring to a parent's life and to life in general. I've seen it with my mom and how happy I make HER. I've seen it with G and his kids and how absolutely happy they make him. I've seen it with my sister and my nephews and I've experienced it personally with family friends and their three daughters. Point being, I'm not stupid. I GET how having a kid is SO WORTH IT to some in many, many ways. The stress, the worry, the pressure - all of it is worth it and they'd do it all over again, time and time again. I get that and I totally respect that. After all, without parents who feel just that, where would we all be? And personally, I've never met anyone in my entire life that I'd want to have kids with more than G. He's it - the King Bee - the creme de la creme - Mr. Right and I will look no more. That's how I feel about him and so obviously having a family with him, IF I DISREGARD ALL FOUR POINTS ABOVE, seems like a no-brainer. It's an immediate "duh! Of course!"

Ah, but that's the catch, isn't it? Putting aside all the insecurities, all the pre-conceived notions, all the ideas that your kid won't be good enough. Shelving them and deciding to go on with your bad self. I'll most likely have a kid or two, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah I'll admit already that my life is easier without them ... but with G by my side, can it really be that bad? I think not.

Labels: future, G, kids, Obi wan Kenobi