No, I'm not PG.

So while we’re on the subject of kids (from my mention on the previous blog post), I thought it would be a really good idea to officially document how I feel about the little earthlings now that I don't actually have any.

This is kind of like a list I made back in the day on a regular piece of paper that I can no longer find … grrr … it basically listed bullet points of the different things I hoped to accomplished 1 month, 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years and 15 years from when I started the list. I was 25… so you can understand why I’m so annoyed I can’t find it! I’m almost at the 10-year point! I hope I’ve accomplished something!

Anyhoosers, my point is that I’d like to document how I feel about the idea of kids and my thoughts on having them or not having them. Someday in reading this entry, my daughter/son might hate me. If that’s the case, err… sorry kid. I can’t help that I have very extreme and sometimes conflicting views on procreating today in March 2010.

Here’s my first thought on the matter: once the kid is here, it’s here for good (barring any atrocious event that I don’t wish on anyone.) In general, the kid is here to stay. That means that FOREVER MORE you have to worry about this other living, breathing thing. I mean, if I have to work around my day in a way that has me home each time Obi needs to eat then I can’t imagine what it takes with a kid! I already feel constricted with Obi and it drives me insane!! Further, you never stop worrying about this being… so it’s like a lifetime of this WORRY you carry around with you. I remind you of my entries regarding G’s kids after the earthquake here in Chile … I mean G was worried sick even though he tried to play it off. For days on end and I wondered how he even functioned!! If that were me, I’d be freaking the F out!! I know myself and I do NOT handle freaking out well. I’m worst-case scenario woman in my head and if I had a kid to add to that equation, I could very well live a lifetime of hyperventilation due to stress. Yeah, that sounds fun.

Putting aside the "WORRY FOREVER" sign up sheet, here's my second thought on the matter: pretty much you're responsible for how adjusted or f-ed up the kid is going to be and if he/she grows up to be a contributing, happy person in society. I mean, how many people do you know that are so screwed up because of their parents? I definitely know a few and may count myself in that group every so often. What if you put your kid in too many activities after school in hopes of keeping him/her away from drugs, only to produce an overachiever perfectionist who is anorexic and much too hard on him/herself and deals by cutting his/her arm? Is that worse than drugs? Ack! And for that matter, what's the right balance of activities? Teach them two languages, put them in a sport and in an art, teach them to meditate and do yoga, all the while taking them to a hill with lots of grass to run wild in, every other day of the week? Will my kid turn out ok then? Should I throw in some Tae-Kwon-Do too? Yeah, yeah, kids don't come with manuals, blah blah. So then of course, more pressure on the parents!

My third thought on the matter is this: I really love Obi. I wouldn't give him away at this point, sell him or try to pawn him off in any way, shape or form now that he's part of our small family. However, I recognize that life before him was much easier and much more comfortable. I realize as well that if I knew then, what I know now, I don't think I would have acquired him in the first place. Having a dog is a BIG DEAL, more than people think ... so I can't BEGIN TO IMAGINE the big deal that is a kid. Yet I take extremely good care of him, train him, love him, feed him and do all the basic necessities necessary, spoil him and cuddle him ... but that doesn't change the fact that I see him and think "Life was much easier and maybe better (still undecided) before." Can you imagine if I feel this way with a human being who relies on me for survival and guidance? Hello, insta-bad parent - just add water!

My fourth thought on the matter relates to G and the fact that he has two children from his previous marriage. The person I love already has kids and has experienced first hand all the joy, excitement and fear that goes along with having kids. In fact, he's even more experienced in basic things like changing diapers and burping (not to mention all the other crap that I can't even think of because I'm not a parent and have NO idea) than I might ever be! He's been there, done that. When I go through the "Holy sh*t I'm a parent" freak out/realization, I'll be alone. I'll basically be going through all those sentiments solo and that kind of sucks. It's not his fault of course. He adores his kids, rightfully so, and I adore him for being a good father to his kids.It makes him a better man and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it does affect how I view becoming a parent, I'm not gonna lie. Any maybe it's my own version of being screwed up by a parent, but I never had a father in my life and the man who IS my father, played favorites with my sister and me. Meaning, he ignored me my entire life and was present for my sister. So in my head I can't imagine that G could love any other kid more than he loves his own right now. Call me crazy - I might be. But it's how I feel at times and it's stuff I think about.

Not all is tainted in such a negative light when it comes to kids, though. I've experienced first hand how much joy they bring to a parent's life and to life in general. I've seen it with my mom and how happy I make HER. I've seen it with G and his kids and how absolutely happy they make him. I've seen it with my sister and my nephews and I've experienced it personally with family friends and their three daughters. Point being, I'm not stupid. I GET how having a kid is SO WORTH IT to some in many, many ways. The stress, the worry, the pressure - all of it is worth it and they'd do it all over again, time and time again. I get that and I totally respect that. After all, without parents who feel just that, where would we all be? And personally, I've never met anyone in my entire life that I'd want to have kids with more than G. He's it - the King Bee - the creme de la creme - Mr. Right and I will look no more. That's how I feel about him and so obviously having a family with him, IF I DISREGARD ALL FOUR POINTS ABOVE, seems like a no-brainer. It's an immediate "duh! Of course!"

Ah, but that's the catch, isn't it? Putting aside all the insecurities, all the pre-conceived notions, all the ideas that your kid won't be good enough. Shelving them and deciding to go on with your bad self. I'll most likely have a kid or two, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah I'll admit already that my life is easier without them ... but with G by my side, can it really be that bad? I think not.

Labels: future, G, kids, Obi wan Kenobi